I started doing regular therapy last July. I have been mostly weekly attending since then. In the 2015 summer I was having major panic attacks and tried to check myself in to an institution more than once, and at best i got a few hours sleep in a shitty pleather lay-z boy before gathering my wits and asking old money bags to sack out before work in an actual bed. I think I was under impression my girlfriend/landlord hated me, or maybe that night i had threatened physical harm upon her. Can't remember. There was one too many situations like this happening last summer.
Therapy has helped with the panic. I found out the pills I now have copious amounts of (enough that i mailed a half bottle to a friend who wanted one pill) have horrible side effects and lead to bad stuff in old age and any age actually. I got new pills and thought I had found a magic bullet. I was in control, I wasn't calling my girlfriend a cunt when she wasn't, and when she was I used more genteel words like bitch and piece of shit (she doesn't like the latter and I did apologize immediately. )
Don't know if I had a point in this graveyard shift ramble. The old drug was the benzo Klonopin and the new pill is Buspirine or Buspar (In case anyone was wondering.)
I used to snort Klonopin when i first got them under suggestion from a scuzzlord and under orders from a social worker at the last psych ward that I avoid illegal drugs. I snorted them first as a joke, and later after developing a tenderness for cocaine , when the blow or the money was gone, or just for something to take the edge off. They have a minty after snort maybe like those one wipe Charley's i heard about on Doug Stanhopes podcast.
I could use some minty wipes. I think they have witchhazel. I have been forced to use baby wipes since developing frequent anal bleeding and forgetting to make sure i got a referral to my regions youngest "Dr. Assman." Not sure what hemorrhoids have to do with klonopin or wife beatery but hey this is a blog and i find it interesting.
I wrote a year ago about my love for white devil debit card hog. I was developing a jones after having a unexpected trigger to from a video game of all places. I had three years clean and it was unexpected and I made my way to Facebook and google to find my recenty released from prison dealer/ my brother's bodyguard in grade school.
He had warrants out for his arrest I discovered and was in hiding. But I found him on Facebook and sent off a request. He never responded. But I could see his friends list, and began some sleuthing. I would google search people for arrest records and if their transgressions had anything to do with scumbaggery i would friend request them. I live in a small town and I probably had some connection to them and they would usually add me. Cut the chase found one guy and asked him for contact info for my old sleaze squeeze connect. He said dude had ripped him off but what did I need. Skip to i took as much money as I could out of my atm next payday and he was driving to my house. Never met the guy but we were facebook official. I had forgot to tell him my pleasure and did so after he had already left for my house. He showed up and i took him around back and he showed wated look like the consistency and opacity of a white lifesaver. Two 8 balls for the money. But 8 balls of what I had no clue. But me and my nostrils were going to find out.
What i thought would be a night of pleasure (Me my drugs and videogames while my girlfriend was at work) turned into an ultimately hellish five day run. I slept the entire 24 hour period of my girlfriends birthday and nearly got fired. It was not or mostly not coke. Probably some synthetic bullshit with a little bit of something. I figured it was bullshit stuff but i still copped with my last hundred dollars after a night's sleep. And that bit seemed more cokey.
That's my last time with the hard stuff. I smoked a little weed one weekend a few months later but the last 8 months no drogas (sp?).
Hope Rodney H. Gila finds this interesting.